Friday, December 5, 2014

i'm kinda lonely

I am a pretty outgoing person. I'll talk to anybody about anything. So going from 3 phone lines ringing throughout the day, plus getting to meet new people walking up to a desk asking questions to complete silence...for several hours a day...makes me go a little crazy.

Let me preface this with the fact that we are incredibly blessed as a family to have The Hubs work from home. He's right down the hall most days. And it's wonderful. We talk, we get to have lunch together, he gets to hang out with Noah, the whole family is together and a lot of people do not get to have that.

I also realize how incredibly awesome it is that I quit my job so I could be with my family. It's a struggle financially but all most of our needs are met. I know many families who do not have this privilege. Their needs cannot be met with one income. So before I continue complaining about my loneliness and how I am combating it, please know that I am someone who is eternally grateful for the opportunity I am in.

Again, I am outgoing, and while it means I like to talk to people, what it really means is that I get my energy from others. I prefer to work in a group setting. Or at least work while being around other people. Yes we all need to be alone to "recharge" {whatever the eff that means}, and to reflect, and yadayadayada. But I am one who needs minimal alone time. Five minutes of "peace and quiet" is enough for me. Not five hours.

I painted my nails yesterday during nap time. I binged watched Netflix. I'm sure I will find more productive ways of dealing with it, but for now, that's what I've done. It's only been one full week on the job, so I am still working out the kinks.

I tend to try and do everything in a day because "things need done" rather than space them out. So Monday-Wednesday of this week I was doing a lot around the house. But yesterday and today I'm kind of twiddling my thumbs. So I may try to make a cleaning schedule, and space out my to-do list so I'm not overwhelmed with loneliness at the end of the week.

The Hubs was working on site yesterday. And most of today. Thursday nights are typically Noah's night at Mimi and Poppy's {in-laws}, so Friday he is with Mimi most of the day. So that means most of today I am alone. Yes my cat and dog are here. Felix and Flynn. They are great and all, but don't make much conversation. "I have to pee" or "The mailman is here" is sometimes all I hear in a day.

I think what I hate the most about being alone is that when I am alone, I struggle with purpose.

It was easier for me to find purpose when I woke up everyday, got dressed, and went to an office. I had a set plan for the day, accomplished it, and went home. Now my work is my home. My home is my work. It's difficult to clean the house and say "ooooo wow good job Megan. You are an adult and cleaned up after yourself. Want a cookie or something?". Or "That's so awesome. You changed a poopy diaper. Way to go."

My office life was really uplifting. I would do something I viewed as part of my job that I'm supposed to do, getting paid to do, and my boss would say "Hey Fritschie--thanks. That was really great when you did ________." I'll let you in on a little secret: that doesn't happen much when you are a full-time mommy.

The Hubs does a pretty good job of showing appreciation for re-stocked towels in the hall closet, and a good meal,  but it's just....different. I'm really struggling with finding purpose.

I truly believe God is the force behind me quitting my job. I really do believe that because I prayed and asked Him what the heck I should be doing with my life he made my working life miserable and opened my heart to the possibility of being with Noah full-time. Forcing me to give up gourmet coffee, new clothes, dinners out, and really anything else materialistic I used to view as a "need". So I guess my purpose is just taking care of a home, a husband, and a baby. I didn't need to go to college for that. But for some reason I did. And maybe someday I will use that degree towards a job that pays money and not kisses and giggles. But I think I can make it work.


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